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I don't tell a lot of people this, but I love to write I even write poetry (and no not in rhyme people always think poetry has to rhyme lol but it doesn't you can free write and put whatever train of thought you have going on, on paper).

I've been writing ever since I was a kid. When my mom bought me my first journal as a way to express my feelings.

& not many people know this, but I was an extremely shy kid with insecurities and fears. My father died when I was about 2 years old, I literally have no memory of him. I only know him by stories and pictures so I had a lot of feelings growing up of not being whole and feeling empty. 

I felt like a fish out of water in middle school and junior high. I had social anxiety and was always biting my nails constantly. And on top of that I was an only child so it was hard because I didn't have anyone to really talk to except my journal.

I was in a Catholic school in Washington Heights, from 1st - 8th grade and I did not fit in. I never fitted in. I felt like I was in the wrong school or planet even. I still remember comments from people in my class who said that I talked 'white.' They would talk about rap and hip hop music and I couldn't relate because I was into Blink 182 and Fashion magazines. So you can see why I didn't blend in with the vast majority of my class. I was a Dominican girl who was 'white' on the inside. 

The majority of my feelings would be poured out as ink on my journal. Things I felt like no one would understand or questions I had about life and the world around me.

I guess that's why blogging was always in interest of mine it's an outlet. I'm not going to lie to you. It's scary pouring out your soul on the Internet. Quite frankly I'm not sure why I'm doing it, perhaps someone out there feels how I feel or felt how I felt. 

I've changed a lot since middle and junior high. I'm not shy, well maybe for the first few hours of meeting someone new. Which I think is normal haha but I am very selective of who I choose to spend my time with. I'm not one for meaningless conversations and empty 5 minute friendships.

If I'm your friend I'm your friend for real. I will listen to you and help you any way I can because that's who I am. I don't like people feeling like they are alone, or that no one will listen, and I don't like people thinking no one cares. Because that's how I felt growing up so I know the feeling and I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. 

Present day, I don't feel like I did back when I was 6 and 15. I have an amazing best friend and group of beautiful souls I've met that I can talk to and we inspire, move and empower each other. And I appreciate them from the inner most part of my soul I appreciate and love them. Even the new friends I've made this year the world is beautiful and you're all beautiful to me. 

But I'm not going to lie, sometimes I still feel like that kid no one would really listens to or the things I say would just fade into the background. It might not seem that way to people I guess and I choose to not let it bother me but that's why I write it out. 

So I write. Even if whatever I'm writing makes no sense. It can be chaos and messy with frustrations and it can come out as a beautiful harmony. 

I know this is a long post but I promised to always keep it raw and real on this new blog. I'll probably start posting my free writing and poems on here soon. 

 

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xo Gerardine